.....

Well, fuck this shit! Fuck this life! If you really don't want to answer, then I might as well just go jump off a cliff!!! I'm so pissed! This has been the worst day ever! REALLY BAD! I feel like crying every second! ARGH!!! I sometimes feel like, if I lay myself in a hole, burry myself alive and die there – people wouldn't care! People are such idiots! I don't want to be human anymore! This has been a shitty day and it's only gonna become shittier!! Well – I feel all alone and tears are pressing in the back of my eyes. I'm angry and I'm lonely and I'm sad! I'm gonna feel like shit tomorrow! Gonna starve myself or something...! I HATE this life..!!! We are born for ONE reason! To die! Well, then why not do it now, rather than later???! CHRIST! I'm such an egotistical person. In the back of my mind, I do know that people care about me. But you know what? I don't give a FUCKIN DAMN! I WANT TO DIE! Give me back the times where life was simple and good! I'm so out of everything and I don't belong anywhere. I feel like dropping out of High School and just forgetting everyone of my friends! EVERYONE! I want to forget! I want a new life! A new identity! I want to be an all different person with all new friends! Maybe even a new family...I love my family. It's the best family ever!! But...but here's just too many memories. It kills me.

I HATE WEEKENDS!!!
GO DIE! GO DIE! GO DIE! GO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!

No one understands me anymore. And no one cares.

Christ – the only place I fit in anymore is at school. Really. I don't feel like I belong anywhere else. My life is school – nothing more. I don't feel like my friends outside of school is like...that much the same anymore. Maybe I've just changed. Maybe it's jut me! I'm the whole reason for my own misery. No – I don't have a depression. My doctor says so. I'm just a kid who loves to mess with her own mind...I'm a masochist! That's what I am! I like to hurt myself...I LIKE to feel alone. That must be it, mustn't it? Otherwise I wouldn't let it bother me so much, when my girlfriends are hanging out – just them without me. Then I wouldn't get bothered when you write about boys...I wouldn't be bothered when my friends didn't answer my texts. Christ! I really AM a masochist! Isn't that ironic? And egotistical at the same time...god. I really don't know why I'm writing this, but I need to get it off of my chest.

I am disappointed...in you. Well you know why. I feel a little shoved away. I know your reason, but well...to me it's just not really an excuse. I feel like a lost puppy standing on the side of the road, left alone by it's owner. Jup. That's me today. Oh – when I woke up this morning I was smiling and looking forward to later. I waited. My mother asked me ''what if she burns you off?'' but I kept saying ''she won't!''...well she did. And I feel disappointed. And to make matters worse, now nobody answers their phones, so I can't really talk to anyone. I want to bitch. I want to talk to somebody! But well – nobody's online...I'm sitting home, with my parents, trying to hold back the tears. I can't concentrate on Barnaby, because of this stupid mother f'ing post and I just don't really want to talk to my parents about it.

I always act like a patient girl, who doesn't want to be mad with anyone. Oh well! I AM mad! And I AM sad...shiiiit. Should I just go to bed? No. I shouldn't.

Well...I am a spoiled child, aren't I? I don't get the things that I want, and people don't act the way I want them to ; I get depressed and angry. That's me. Nothing goes after my head. It was today I needed a good drinking night!!! I need my friends around me right now...but they aren't here. And now I'm just gonna sit here and be all alone, holding back the tears, so that my parents won't worry.

I'm a lone wolf. I walk down my own path.

LOL! If that's what I am, then why the fuck am I crying about being alone?! When I didn't have many friends I could accept being alone, because I didn't really know what friendship and love was. Now I can't accept it anymore. I want people around me all the time. But that's impossible. I cry myself to sleep many nights – just because of loneliness.

God – I just thought of something. I made my bed for two this morning...now it's only one person sleeping in it. Tonight is gonna be a cry-myself-to-sleep night.

Sheese.