Story of my life.

Why did I name this post that? Well, I don't know. My mind is fucked today. I just feel like, I need to get a lot of things under control, but how the fuck do you do that? Just like *poof* and then every thought in your head is cleared out? I wish. I used to be one of those people, who could just say 'I'll think about that tomorrow!' and then just completely forget it. But no longer? Why is that? Why can't I just be like that still? Instead I'm just hanging around and thinking about stuff, I can't really do anything about. Things I shouldn't think too much about. I used to not care as much as I do now. Well, maybe that's a good thing when you look at the big picture, but right now it just plain sucks. Caring too much can really hurt. But on the other hand...not caring enough can hurt others and then hurt you when they've been hurt enough. You might just lose people if you don't care enough. So yeah...caring is a great thing, when you're like me and don't ever want to hurt people. If I could, I would just...make the pain I've caused go away, from the people, I've once hurt. I feel guilty whenever I think about what I've done to hurt some people. Well, of course there are those, whom I still think don't deserve my guilt. But some people I would just wish....they would look my way again, so I could show them how much has happened. And who I am today. But most of them weren't good for me, so...maybe it's better that way. I care so much for these people...sometimes it's hard to stand. Because when something causes them pain, it causes me pain too. And I can't stay mad at these people. And when I do get angry at them or I give them guilt for something they've done...justified or not...I feel guilty. Because other peoples guilt is just too painful for me to watch. I have a tendency to carry other peoples guilt on my shoulders. Which is such a bad thing for me! Because I have plenty of guilt in my body, I don't need others too. But I just do it. Say that it's my fault..even though that might not really be the case. And I hate it. But...well. That's just who I am, I guess? I'm not really the kind of person, who can be angry at somebody for a very long period of time. Not somebody, I care about, anyway. I don't hold grudges. Well, yeah, I do. I just don't tell people, I do. Another mistake. Wow, I'm really pointing out my bad sides right now, aren't I? Well at least, I can see my flaws. I'm proud of that. Being able to see those, is not something everyone is capable of. Many people just see themselves as perfect and if somebody points out a flaw...they're just like 'hrmph!'. Well...I'm like that too, but of course it's not nice to have all your mistakes being pointed at you. But I can see what people mean when they say it to me. I'm not blind when it comes to my flaws. But I also know, I have a lot of great sides! And I'm very happy with myself. Sometimes a little too much, maybe. But oh well! I love the self esteem I've gotten. Especially since I've met Nina. She makes me really believe that I am beautiful. I could say it before...but I didn't really believe it. Now I believe.

Wow..that helped!